The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
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I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Only short people can save us
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.