I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
You Might Also Like
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
choose your gary
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.