when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.