HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
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[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.