*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
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I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.