*jingles half the way*
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Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I am HOWLING at this
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
The future is now.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.