I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
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If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
You sure about that?
emergency phone
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please