Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
#Caturday
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁