Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
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I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
wtf is a larm clock?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.