Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
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[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!