My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
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I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.