Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
You Might Also Like
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
pls suprot
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.