NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
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CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
My circle of trust is a meatball
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday