Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
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*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
decorating my apartment
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.