“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
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#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion