What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
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If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
work smarter, not harder
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs