We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
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my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.