Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
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People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My biological clock is wheezing.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Put the is in disheveled
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Can’t, holding a grudge
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.