Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
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I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
We need more people like this.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days