Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
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That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
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Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.