Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
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[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.