[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
You Might Also Like
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.