contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.