This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.