Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
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Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
lol
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*