“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
kitchen magnet
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi