Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.