[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
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“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I’m ready for Halloween this year