Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
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Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.