My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
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*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
(Electricians.)
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant