Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
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reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters