Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
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Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I don’t think my car can fly
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die