*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
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wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.