The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
You Might Also Like
The Backseat Boys
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
monday
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
#catsoftwitter