My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
never compromise your values
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.