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me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Go hard or stay average
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.