yall want some gasoline milk
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waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.