I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
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Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
the simulation is moving too fast
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My chiropractor is a crack addict.