Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
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Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
me
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?