“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
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Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Omg 🤣
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”