Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I’d use my best pan on you.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
yeah 😭
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.