Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.