When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
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I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”