How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.