No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
goldfish mafia
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Kids, do not try this at home!
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)