love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
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My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry