You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
You Might Also Like
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“What?”
– Jude
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.