Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
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I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
A ghost story
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*