IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”