HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
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*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.